only lonely on the inside...

"hello again", the words that made me smile
as i drift away in my little room upstairs
oh ive spend my nights, imagining your face, your touch
then i realize how i dont even know your name.."-hootie and the blowfish


*WARNING: its a very long and revealing post so please bear with this writer..

hey, its been awhile. so much stuff (or so i thought) has happened to me in a short period of time. for starters, i started working na for 2 months. the workload gets me most of the time (parati na lang OT) but the people there are cool. plus i get to go places (w/c is one of the reasons why i took it) but honestly, these days i feel like im a drone or something. its like im a walking zombie--with no emotions, just programmed to do the job..i dont even have the time to do "nothing"...to just sulk around and relax..thats why im quitting (i told you a lot has happened =P) its just that i dont enjoy my work anymore.. (well, i might raise some eyebrows--but its not the reason why i write as of this moment..so maybe ill tell you why some other time)

the reason why i post is that as you see, i never felt so LONELY in my life..i never felt so alone.. i know that all of us have experienced it.. but you see, i never really had given it so much thought up until now.. all this time, i downplayed that notion...that i keep saying to myself "its fun being single".. that not being tied to a commitment has its own shares of benefits...but these past few months really got me thinking..obviously im not happy anymore--and the funny thing is FATE seems to be mocking me right in my face... everywhere i go, may it be in the office, walking down the street or riding a shuttle--it seems like all the people around me are in pairs.. and as much as i try to look the other way--it cant be helped..seems like all the people around me is in love..just like the train in that close up commercial but the only thing is, theres no one there to share the same sentiment that i have..

i know it might sound akward and some of you guys might laugh..but the truth is i never had a girlfriend (ok ok..quit laughing =P) i know i sound like a loser but honestly thats the truth.. of course i had my own share of near hits (or should i say near misses) but i really dont know why nothing came through..maybe its because im afraid to get hurt or something..na masyado lang akong sigurista..you see ive been hurt before and i can tell you that it hurts like hell.. it even stings sometimes..so nagkaroon na ata ako ng trauma of falling in love..and another thing, maybe because i try to enivision myself living in a utopian world..of course, im still a pessimist---but when it comes to the matters of the heart..ill be the 1st one to admit--that im a hopless romantic..im still a sucker when it comes to "and they live happily ever after"..

i dont know why, but i always dream of finding the one (dont we all) that it comes to the point that i dont care if i will only have one girlfriend in my life as long as she turns out to be "the one"--the girl that i will spend my rest of my life with..siguro thats the reason why im so afraid to commit because at the back of my mind theres still doubt..and i cant bring myself of hurting someone just because i made an honest mistake..parang di ko kayang isipin na trial and error pagdating sa mga ganyang bagay (before you guys react..ive taught of the things some of you might say already--that everythings a gamble; even love..that youll never know until you try.. youll never know if your theories are true not until you apply them) believe me i thought of that before, pero wala na talaga akong magagawa..i guess its my nature and i cant change that..

ive already been thru both sides of the coin--frantically looking for her and being active with going out and stuff to playing the waiting game.. sad to say up to now, nothing have worked out..ive made a fool of myself--getting rejected a couple of times before and on the other side ive gotten tired of waiting..until the next episode plays out, i guess i just have to hold my breath and see

well, mukhang gumana na naman ang aking twisted way of thinking.. but then again maybe its just me =)

song of the moment..

heaven help--lenny kravitz

There comes a time to be free of the heart
I wanna be ready, ready to start
On a love journey, got places to go
Made up my mind and I have got to let you know

Heaven help the heart that lets me inside
Heaven help the one who comes in my life
Heaven help the fool that walks through my door
'Cause I decided right now
I'm ready for love

A funny feeling's coming over me
Now I'm inspired and open to being
In a love place but it's out of my hands
I'm telling you baby that you got to understand

Heaven help the heart that lets me inside
Heaven help the one who comes in my life
Heaven help the fool that walks through my door
'Cause I decided right now
I'm ready for love

I can't see what's out there for me
And I know love offers no guarantees
I'll take a chance and I'm telling you something babe
I got to let you know

Heaven help the heart that lets me inside
Heaven help the one who comes in my life
Heaven help the fool that walks through my door
'Cause I decided right now
I'm ready for love, ready for love
Take a chance, take the chance on love..